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| She was ot what was wanted
She was born from a whore
undesired, an accident
She wasn't loved
(and now she can't at all)
Her mother on the streets
She ate from the dunmpsters
scraps from restaurants and bars
It wasn't the life for a child
So she was abandoned,
At the age of two
Yet as she grew older
She followed the maternal instinct
She was known well in high school
as having the loosest legs
And the tightest lips
She eventually messed up
She never slept in that bed
Yet she praticed her sleeping
Even if it was around
She wasn't that lucky
Had a kid of her own
And the man had regret for his sins
But he could never have a child
The needed to fix it
so he could keep his dignity
didn't know what they were doing
But they went there anyway
They enter the chaple
Marriage License in hand
They knew it was to be short lived
Becuase it was a Shotgun wedding
now down, set go.
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| I once was able to control how I felt. The key word in that sentence is "was". For nearly a year, I felt ok, I felt how I should. Before that, leading back the the ninth grade, I never felt happy, or wasn't most of the time.
Now, I feel like I have before. And I'm not super stoked.
I've been hanging out with an awesome girl recently, someone I'm not interested in, whose not interested in me, we just hang out. Well, I made a choice the other day when I wanted to go out with her rather than my girlfriend. It happend a little weird, which made it seem shifty, like something that wasn't happening, was. All we did was get ice cream and drive around - just to get some stress out, just to feel better about ourselves.
It didn't happen. Instead, I got lots more stress. Lots and lots.
Despite nothing happening, my girlfriend was ENTIRELY unhappy with the fact that I went out with another girl.
Now, I'm really stressed out, and pretty unhappy a lot of the time. And it's hardly all about this, thats the weirdest part about feeling like this. I can never pinpoint why I feel unhappy, or bummed out, or whatever. I just do.
I'm going on a trip to the city on Friday night I hope, just to relax and hopefully meet up with some old friends.
I really hope its a good time. If nothing else, I'll feel better roaming the city alone a little bit.
I've made a decision this time. This time, it's for me. I don't want to change who I am, who I hang out with, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, the presidential candidate I vote for, or which television shows I watch. I won't change those things for anyone. This doesn't mean I don't love you. I just need to be who I am in the time where it matters most.
~Jon | | |
| I leave on Saturday. And thats all I'm doing - leaving.
I'm not really sure if I'm going home. I don't where, or what, or WHO my home is. I think about everyone I've met here, and I would have to say that 75% of them are people I would like to keep in my life. I don't know how well that will pan out. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Also, I should point out, this has no closure. I did everything necessary of me today to end my relationship with Columbia for this while, and despite me having nearly all my connections with the school closed, I feel like there is no closure. It isn't a great feeling.
On the positive side, I'm really looking forward to seeing a few people this winter break. And others, not so much. If your name doesn't appear on this list, don't feel neglected, these are just the standouts:
Erik "Donner and Blitzen" Peters
Rhett "West Roswell" Rozga
Alexa Hojnacki
Ross "Delovely" Houslander
Iza Zambrzycki
Emily Myslinski
Nick Badger
Tegan Anclade
In other words, I very much need to write more.
"One day I"
One day I
I feel you calling me
In my subconscious
Feel you screaming my name
Into the blank wintery blindness
Hoping I'll be there
And when I feel it
I know that you're voice is still
Your lungs stay steadily reciprocating
The cold air burns your throat
As you stand in your front yard
Without wearing a jacket
The snow slowly falling
Lands softly on your hair
Your shoulders, your breasts
Makes you seem to glow
In the light from your house
But as I sneak up from behind
Blow the snow off your shoulders
From your hair
You startle, and spin so gracefully
Your arms fling out instinctively
Our lips meet
We go inside, to your room
where you realize how much more
You mean to me
Then the collision of bodies
And entanglement of tongues.
~Jon
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| This is something a little hard for me to be able to tell everyone, and it is something I've put a whole lot of thought into.
Currently, I'm not a happy person. The people here at Columbia, save a select few, aren't really for me. The classes - not only the ones I'm in - aren't really how i would like them, not right now anyway. The living conditions are ok, at best, but I really would like to be elsewhere.
One of the biggest thig that is bothering me most is how much of my time is wasted. I have 16 hours of classes in one week. The other time, I don't really do anything. I waste about 3 days every week. I could be working, but finding a job down here is nearly impossible.
All of this, and probably a bit more, has led me to a decision. I may not be attending Columbia College next semester. Theres just a lot going on, and I think some time off from this will do me good.
Instead of being here, I'm goin to be at home. I have every intention of getting a full (or nearly that) time job, making as much money as is possible for a person of my age and such. I am also going to look into attending a few classes at CLC. Mostly, though, I just want to make a little money, help my mom out (and pay her back for what shes lent to me) and mature a lot.
I should say, though, that this isn't at all because Lindsay is in Antioch, or my friends are there. This is simply becuase of me and Columbia not getting along.
I really hope you guys will all support me in this and not just make me feel like a jackass. This means too, that saying things behind my back will probably get back to me.
In other news.
I'm really angry at people that toy with my feelings, my friends or my girlfriends. I'm pretty tired of it, and if these few people do it again, I'm actually going to bring it into my own hands.
Loves to those who deserve it.
~Jon | | |
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